It is so hard to believe how many of my friends and family are mourning this Christmas for loved ones lost this year of 2013. I lost my mother. My husband lost his father. All since August of this year.
There is no proper way to grieve. Some will want to continue the special holiday events and traditions...others will want to postpone...still others may wish to "ignore" the holiday this year as too painful to endure. No way is right, no way is wrong.
Do what is right for you...even if every one else in the family feels otherwise.
You can't even go by what you think would make your lost love one the most happiest...if that is not what makes you feel most comfortable.
It is hard, no matter whether you expected it or whether it was a complete surprise and shock. There is really nothing anyone can say that will help, except that they will do what they can to help you. You must ask them for help if you need and want it, and you must ask for peace and quiet if that is what you need and want.
When little ones are involved, that is a little different. You may need to carry on for them, but you can ask that things be scaled back.
It is a time to be grateful. It may be a time you feel hurt and angry. Find someone, a family member or friend or pastor whom you feel comfortable confiding in.
Don't be afraid to use the internet to help you get answers to questions you may have about services or what is expected of you. We had many questions about basic services like burial or cremation. There are many sites that will help you understand the processes and what will happen--so you don't need to try to compose yourself to speak with a person on the phone or in person until you have some facts.
A good mortuary will help you make decisions without pressing you to purchase more than you want. You should always get plenty of certified death certificates. One will be supplied for Government use only, but other places will need one. Some will keep them, though often if you ask that it be returned to you, they can make a photocopy and return the original. It can take some time to get additional copies, so better to have more than enough, than not enough. You might consider 6-10...I've heard of families ordering at least 15. They can get expensive...about $20 a piece (in AZ), so think it through.
After the initial shock of the pronouncement you will need to contact a few places...
- Social Security will be one that needs to handled.
- Place of Employment, unions, etc. There may be insurance policies paid through or even by work, so you may not know about them. 401(k) and other accounts. Some businesses allow you to purchase stock in the company...also something to check into.
- bank(s) [The bank we dealt with wouldn't allow the account to be touched for a minimum of 30 days, with a beneficiary listed]
- Insurance(s) Life,Health, and Auto
- Doctors, Dentists, Chiropractors, etc.
- Tax Preparer
- Bills in the descendent's name, and if they lived alone. You may not wish to cancel everything right away, but you may be able to cut out extra things you won't be using like long distance, or cable, etc. It can be surprisingly difficult to make changes to anyone else's accounts if you were not designated in a will or trust. A simple Power of Attorney "expires" upon the death of that person. For us, trying to cancel the cell phone even with the death certificate was near impossible with one company! [If picking up the mail coming to their home and business is too difficult, you may be able to have all mail to those addresses forwarded to another responsible party. It is not a good idea to just stop the mail, there may be important information and records sent to that address.]
- Members of Church or Synagogue, clubs, etc.
- Veterans Affairs, if applicable. There may be benefits you are unaware of, check out the website http://www.va.gov/
- Hairdressers, since the person may have a standing appointment, they need to be notified.
- Magazines and newspapers and subscriptions
Try to locate their address book(s). Hopefully they have hard copies and didn't keep everything on their computer or phones, since you may not have access codes.
Ask friends who have been through this before if they have any helpful ideas or problems they didn't foresee, and how they resolved them.
It is overwhelming, even if you have gone through the process before. Allow yourself the feelings you are having, and don't judge yourself harshly. If you are fortunate enough to have had your course laid out for you by your loved one, all the better for you. If this is out of the blue and all these things are dumped on you, well, that has happened to many of us. You will survive this, with Love and Patience for yourself and your family members, friends, and those you need to deal with. Pray and Give Thanks...A LOT!
